hi, i'm allyson.

from what i remember of course.

working
movie nights
shopping
making drunken gummy bears and jello shots
jager bombs
spontaneously getting in jacuzzis with no clothes
shots in jacuzzis
yl parking lot faded
kahhoo kahhoo nights
first ever light show
getting locked out
passing all my classes
signing up for summer school
movie dates
horton plaza 
views
avengers
kayaking
bellmont park
mission beach
swangies
babysitting
all nighters
flower fields
shopping outlets
wasting money
spontaneous visits
food
going away partys
music videos
new apartment
good news
nail salons
meeting new people
dancing
packing
unpacking


etc etc.  

i do these list things to make my life appear to be “”“”fun”“”“. or as if i have a “”“”life”“”“. but the truth is, these things are fun and all but i get so lazy -____- 

i shall add on to this as the days go byyyyyyyyy.  

1. the other night, i looked at my private blog and read all my old posts about you. i can’t be any happier with the way things worked out. i love how there are long gaps between the times i see you because when we finally do hang out, you’re still the exact same person i remember you to be. hopefully the people in our lives don’t ever get in the way because that would really make me sad. 
2. i hate that i hate you so much but can’t do anything about it. i hate that i’m too lenient and giving because i really don’t think you deserve it. it just sucks because it’s not your fault, it’s mine. i’m working on cutting you out of my life. or at least for the time being. fingers crossed. 
3. you probably don’t realize how much i worry about you. that’s because i will never admit it or try to show it. but i do. i wish i could be the person you learn from and set examples for you, but i’m like the most fucked up person in your life right now and i’m not making that impact i want. you’re smart though, so i’m hoping you’ll figure things out.
4. i blame you for my confusion. it isn’t normal for me to be having the thoughts i have. you make me re-think all those things i believed in and thought was right. now i don’t know what i want. i don’t even know why i’m so scared. i just wish you gave me a few hints as to how to be like because i can’t read your mind. 
5. you probably think i’m such a bad friend and i don’t blame you at all. that was a really shitty move on my part. the thing is, we never had the same intentions and i didn’t want you or anyone else to get the wrong idea. i’m sad that skjdfdkdfngd, but i feel like one less kjdfskdfskdf would help. i promise i’ll make everything up to you. 

I just want someone to cuddle wirhs n.s.a is that too much to ask for. confession time right abou now, fuck